You

It is one hell of a day when you realise that, all that you have been doing is wrong. That it hasn't been fair. That justice wasn't meted out. That it broke someone along the way. That the tears were unstoppable.

You did wrong. You weren't fair. You didn't do justice. You broke someone along the way. You made someone cry.

Then you realise in all glory; that the person you are staring at is your own reflection. You are looking at a mirror. A mirror that is as cracked and faded, as you feel. As tormented as the shadows of the dark. As ghastly as you feel ashamed of your unfairness. As lonely and tormented as your soul. As insane as the world that it reflects.

And yet, you know that it is you. And there is still so much more there. A promise of a better tomorrow. A sliver of a new dawn. A faint silver lining.

You promise yourself to make it better. You promise to stand up for yourself. You want to prove something to yourself. You don't let anyone else rule you. They don't hold a say in your life. They don't have that much importance. They don't matter at all.

The gory death of you. That was what had; almost, happened. And somehow you lived to see another day. The carnage was terrible, the stench of blood overpowering. The darkness ripped your soul.

And yet you live.

No, they didn't miss you. No, they didn't fall. No, they don't realise that you are still very much there.

Still alive.

Living for yourself. For a change. A good change.

PS: My sun still shines. :)

The Temptress

You want a piece of me
Maybe you want the whole being
You want to be thrilled
You want the feel
You want the insanely heady rush
The smoothness
The grating smoothness
The unimaginable softness
You want the immediate high
You want the throes of elation
The endless boundaries of desire
The polished beauty
The finespun features
The prevailing finesse
You want the ceaseless pain
The tortured anguish
The endless hope
The perpetual faith
The consummate soul
You want the enamoring spirit
You want it all...

You can't have me
You can't tame the spirit
You can't apprehend the soul
You can't crush the faith
You can't torment the hope
You can't beguile me
The infliction will deepen
The pain will revere
The broken soul will heal
The spirit will soar
The body will break
The soul will remain pure
The purposeful eyes
The driven mind
All will hold strong
In these trying times

I can understand the thrill
All the heady ways
The barbed satin beauty
And her fiery gaze
She makes you swoon
She sends you in a daze
You would croon for her
You live in her craze
All you want is her
All you need is her
The barbed satin beauty
And her fiery gaze...

Dreams and the Family.

I woke up in cold sweat. I don't usually remember my dreams and most of them are pleasant. Thus, dreaming in explicit detail about losing a family member didn't leave me with any happy thought. It though; did leave me with a lot of doubt and many unanswered questions. 

I had just witnessed my mother's death as a third person. 

It left me shaken and visibly disturbed. Viewing the entire scene from the third person's point of view let me examine myself at the point of crisis. But more than that, it left me with a bunch of unanswered questions. I didn't know my ma's favourite colour. I didn't know her favourite dish. I didn't know the one thing that she loved the most in the world. The problematic part was, even after waking up; I didn't have answers to these questions.

It made me realise that even though my family is so close knit, I had so many unanswered questions. Living the fast life, always on the run; I have forgotten how to enjoy life. Needless to say that I don't have answers to the questions yet but I know what I will be reduced to if my family breaks up. Touchwood; that it doesn't happen for a long time. It will eventually happen, I know that; but I hope it doesn't happen anytime soon.

The problem that we face today; is that we forget to prioritise. We forget that our family is just as important as our friends are. Ask me to name my friend's favourite colour, I will know. Quiz me about their food habits and I will tell you in a jiffy. I know their most loved/hated lists like the back of my hand. But I fail miserably when it comes to my family. And I pride myself on being real close to my family. There is little that I don't know or share with them. 

But I do know that I want to learn more. I want to know more about the people who were always there for me. The ones who kissed the tears away. The ones who slept with the lights on when I was scared. The ones who cradled me and read out stories on the nights I couldn't sleep. The ones who taught me some of life's greatest lessons. The ones who I more or less tend to take for granted. 

Look back. Retrospect. There must have been a thousand times when you fought with your parents to see that movie which they didn't want you to see. To go to the coffee shop with a bunch of friends. To go on the promised date with that cute guy/girl you had been eyeing for months. But did we for once see the pain we inflicted back at home? Invisible scars that refuse to heal? Silent tears of pain? Hours of worry...??? 

No we don't. We are way too selfish and self absorbed to bother with the people who give us the much required unconditional love. The ones who would do anything for us at the bat of an eyelid. The ones who will risk their lives to save us from getting scratched. 

Our unsung heroes. Our family members. Our life.

<3 

I owe you guys a million times over. For always being there. And even though I rarely let you know. I love you. More than I can express and more than anything else. Forever. For always.

Tresses and changes! :)

So, you all have loved and admired; envied and hated, but none of you all could have missed the tresses on my head. 

*grins*

Now, I am really in a mood for something outrageous and was contemplating cutting my hair real short. I asked a couple of people and all were against the notion except for Isha..!!! :D So, I will throw it here for contention.

Do I cut my hair really short because I feel like it or do I just give it a trim and let it be...??? My hair reaches the middle of my back if you are wondering about the length and is more or less straight unless I have tied my wet hair into a bun where it ends up in nice waves!! :)

So, my dear blog mates; YOU DO HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!! ;)

PS: I still don't have time to write that long post, or visit your blogs. Do pardon me. Sowwie. 

PPS: I owe one to Nimit, the random walk that day made me very happy. Thanks sweetie. And I will always be your fan. Mwahhhh!!!!!

Love, is it?

Shades of love are they now?
Yes, I think they are.
Very much indeed.
<3<3<3<3

Unchecked emotions.

As you stare into the broken mirror, you know what is about to become of you. The shards reflect how broken you feel. The fine mirror dust shows how easily you can be blown away when that time comes! But most of all, the cut on your hand, reflected in the broken glass, drips hope and faith and respect away from you.

Emotions go haywire, unchecked.
Pain becomes a way of life.
The truth bleeds and drains everything that made sense.
The inner musings and stochastic thoughts turn into reality.
Trust dies.
The credence you placed within yourself, that you could find the strength to smile again; falters.
The chance of seeing yourself free from guilt, fades.
The possibility of things falling into place, just remain a possibility.


Anger swells within like a stormy gale itching to unleash it's fury, and instead cuts us open; a laceration refusing to heal.
The lips that smiled have cracked open, they cannot heal.
Death and decay come to the fore.
Hazy illusions of happy times torment us.
Reality becomes an addiction that we cannot get rid of.
The sea refuses to calm you.
The gentle breeze haunts us.
Life throws taunts at you.
Mayhem ensues.

The only thing that keeps you alive, is that single smile you saw. That is all you need. That is all you crave for.
You.

The blood on the mirror gently drips onto the floor. The tides continue.

Mundane, such is my life! :D

Ankur complained in my last post that I don't blog much about my personal life as much as I blog about widely philosophical and abstract things. So this post is to make his day. :)

Lets see now. Where do I start????

Well, for one, I fell at the station again the other day. Apart from the bodily injuries, my pride was hurt. This is my second fall at Vashi station in just as many months. I was abashed, checked if anything was broken and quickly made my exit. No need to sit around and give people another reason to laugh at me. :D Not that they need any reason, but never the less!!

The next day, I ended up going to college in this half dead state because I had some of my friend's stuff and we had a submission going on. A bus journey after a not so subtle fall is dangerous, especially to the posterior which is already inflamed! Sigh. The treacherous bus ride being over, I was in college. Still in one piece. Thankfully!! My friend's submission was done in a jiffy but I still had stuff to complete. After I do all that, my professor took a look at me and told me to go home. Apparently my discomfort and pain was obvious. :| Thank god for small mercies....!!!!! :D

My normal state in college: bewildered and bored. Sometimes in a state of half mad wittiness which leads me to enact various things I see. Including eunuchs. (No offense.)
"Ae chikne, kya dekh raha hai?"
"Ae item, shaanpat, kya dekh raha hai??!"
"Ae Raju!"
"Abe apne aap ko hero samajhta hai, aine mein dekh chehra, bandar hai."

These are some of the days when I am in a mood to harass and irritate my classmates. These are the days when I cannot and will not be restrained!! :D What can I say? It is fun to be me! ;) Of course, it may cause half the guys in your college to forget you are a girl at the end of the day. I hold no responsibilities if such a thing happens with you!!! :D

Apart from that, I spend too much time on my phone; not talking, but listening to music. Too much music. I don't need my phone but I always need my music. :) I live for it and I swear by it! :D

Also, I am thankful to Joel. His phone saved my life in the 25 odd days that the Sony Ericsson guys harassed me to give me my phone back. Also, I am so glad you had come. It was an awesome 33 days and I still miss you loads. :(

These are pictures from the card I made for him, as a going away gift. If something doesn't make sense here, it is because the card was for Joel! :D :D :D

The Envelope

The first page
(And in my opinion the most shoddy one!)

Page 2

This page took a lot of time, because alphabets are hard to find!! :D

This is according to me, my favourite page!! :D It ultimately had all the letters in it!

The last two pages, meant for Joel's understanding only!!!! =P

Well, yes, now that you all know what all I do other can contemplate the abstract and the weird, I am off, I have an entire kitchen to ransack! See ya!!!

The Coin: Happiness and its Progress.

It is 3:35 am. Life is moving, gentle paced and teasing. Like the bus you run after knowing you can get in and a millisecond before you do, the driver floors it. Like the last ray of the sun which you are determined to catch; before you wilt and die. Like the beauty of a dew drop; which won't survive the day. Like the melodious sound of a baby's laughter, before it grows up. Like that last sip of alcohol; which keeps your emotions in check. Life moves on. It is just us who have to choose to move on with it, or to wait and watch as it slips by.

TOSS:

• Amazing friends
• Caring boyfriend
• Understanding parents
• Picture perfect life
• Oodles of smiles
• Plethora of happiness
• Perfect family
• Nirvana

FLIP:

• Friends turn the blind eye
• Boyfriend shows the other side
• Parents still understand
• Patience is tested
• Sister metes out the silent treatment
• Bruises and cuts
• Blood
• Utopia

Even in death, there is peace, there is a shrouded covering of non-feign-able calm and peace. The aura and the beauty combined with the charm of silence, life goes on. Life never stops. Just our life does. Does it even matter that we live for others? Does it even matter that we care? I spent an entire vacation trying to figure out how to work things right with you, the moment I turned; you weren't there. I missed you. Yes, we have had issues. Lets do this right. Lets sort this out. Maybe, I will walk on the beach with you. Maybe; hand in hand.

PS: My letter to happiness. Unadulterated joy. I miss you. A lot. I wish you were here.

PPS: I am fine. And this is fiction. At least some of it. The friends, the family and the boyfriend are all doing well!! :)