Listening to: The Scientist by Coldplay.

The unenthusiastic me..!!

I feel apathetic. Everything seems to be a haze and everything seems unreal. My mind is fuzzy and unclear. A blissful blank if you must. I guess a lack of interesting classmates and an equal lack of me being able to entertain myself has resulted in a totally disoriented me.

Maybe I should just take a break for a while. A real long one maybe, but a good one. Unfortunately, I can't. Stupid college. Nothing seems worth it and everything seems to be something that I fail to appreciate. I don't know why, but somehow I just seem to be in a sad and unappreciative mood. Shame on me. I am a so called "optimist". Bull I say. My optimism died last September with a chaos of events. I normally don't retaliate. Maybe the lack of retaliation and the constant remembrance of the sad events have made me as vulnerable as I am now. Tears flow easy. My smile has become plastic and fake. My patience has increased to infinitesimal amounts. Not good signs, not good at all.

Today my friend asked me what was wrong with me. I so wanted to tell him everything. But I didn't. The fear of rejection and the ego set in. I didn't want him to tell me that I was wrong in keeping things to myself. I didn't want to hear that I was wrong. In order to mould myself to the college life, I most probably have given people the impression that I am easy to walk on, because I have stopped retaliating. Maybe I should retaliate again. And again. And again. I should retaliate until they stop. I don't want to hear that I am wrong. I have heard that so many times. My ego needs to gain something out of somewhere. It just does. It is kind of non existent now. It needs a while to heal.

I don't know how to get my optimism back. Do you know? If you do, let me know. I am open to new ideas. Atleast I think I am. I'll give it a try atleast. That much I can promise. I hope to smile wider and more realistically the next time you meet me. Take care guys. Love you all.