Listening to: The Scientist by Coldplay.

The unenthusiastic me..!!

I feel apathetic. Everything seems to be a haze and everything seems unreal. My mind is fuzzy and unclear. A blissful blank if you must. I guess a lack of interesting classmates and an equal lack of me being able to entertain myself has resulted in a totally disoriented me.

Maybe I should just take a break for a while. A real long one maybe, but a good one. Unfortunately, I can't. Stupid college. Nothing seems worth it and everything seems to be something that I fail to appreciate. I don't know why, but somehow I just seem to be in a sad and unappreciative mood. Shame on me. I am a so called "optimist". Bull I say. My optimism died last September with a chaos of events. I normally don't retaliate. Maybe the lack of retaliation and the constant remembrance of the sad events have made me as vulnerable as I am now. Tears flow easy. My smile has become plastic and fake. My patience has increased to infinitesimal amounts. Not good signs, not good at all.

Today my friend asked me what was wrong with me. I so wanted to tell him everything. But I didn't. The fear of rejection and the ego set in. I didn't want him to tell me that I was wrong in keeping things to myself. I didn't want to hear that I was wrong. In order to mould myself to the college life, I most probably have given people the impression that I am easy to walk on, because I have stopped retaliating. Maybe I should retaliate again. And again. And again. I should retaliate until they stop. I don't want to hear that I am wrong. I have heard that so many times. My ego needs to gain something out of somewhere. It just does. It is kind of non existent now. It needs a while to heal.

I don't know how to get my optimism back. Do you know? If you do, let me know. I am open to new ideas. Atleast I think I am. I'll give it a try atleast. That much I can promise. I hope to smile wider and more realistically the next time you meet me. Take care guys. Love you all.

Listening to: A bunch of songs from a playlist having over 160 of them!! Right now: Square One by C0ldplay.

The most beautiful evening ever.....

Ahh, the most beautiful one of them all.. Started out last Monday.. well, it ended out last Monday as well.. but then, we could just have sat there forever....

I have COA classes on Monday. Lucky me, so does Mihir, one of my closest buddies ever. And when you have someone readily willing to bunk off class with you, need I say more?? ;)

I wasn't well in between. A bout of food poisoning left me miserable, weak and prone to nausea for no reason whatsoever..!!!! After college on Monday, we both left for Bandra where our classes are held. Feeling a little out of place and nauseous, the bus ride did nothing to my already spinning head. After reaching Bandra, we two hungry pigs made our way to Lucky's for the most awesome butter chicken and Roomali Rotis... (Trust me guys, if you haven't tried this out there; U DON"T DESERVE TO LIVE!!!!!!) Unfortunately for me, my nausea just got worse after the food. :'( And I didn't feel like attending three hours of multiplication and division. (Yaz, we still have all that in Engineering!!)

So the ever ready Mihir and me decided to bunk off the class.. Only problem was, what to do with the three hours that we had to kill?? (He couldn't be home.) And then, the bright idea hit home. Lets go do tp at Bandra Reclamation. I hadn't been to Reclamation before and the place sure looked inviting from the window of the 505!! Now the next dilemma, how to get there. After the crossing the road thrice, frantically trying to hail a rick; we finally get on a BEST bus no. 214 heading for Reclamation Depot. Well, well, well; guess what? The only people on the bus are the driver, the conductor, Mihir and me!!! Coolness!!! We paid our fares, (A meagre Rs. 4.50) and changed seats again, and again and again till we choose on the last seat, lazing about on them like we owned the bus!!! Coolness!! For the Rs. 4.50 that we paid, we got a 30 minute ride giving us an entire round of Bandra, a glimpse of Bandstand and finally after a series of long turning and winding roads, Bandra Reclamation!!

A big, huge and a deserted Depot met us over there!! We made our way to the Reclamation through a long winding road, blissfully unaware that there was a shorter path out there!!! Anyways, a 5 minute walk later; I found myself staring at a beautiful stretch of water, the sight spoilt by couples making out furiously as if in some sort of a competition...!! PDA's..!!! GROSS!!!! Leaving them to themselves, the two of us made our way to the "buddha buddhi" part of the parapet.

I have always been fascinated by water. That day I learnt the fact that so was Mihir. Initially we just sat there, staring into the beautiful calm and peace of the gentle and soothing waves which stretched out in front of us. A cool breeze blow over the place making it very cozy and very pleasant to sit out there. A sight of a couple of boats tied in the water along with the Mahim part of the sea front was what we could see from our vantage point!!

Beautiful. Mesmerizing. Soothing. Calming. Peaceful. Hypnotic...

I don't know how many times I repeated myself right now, but I couldn't care less. I most probably won't even come close to describing what I felt then. I sat hugging myself while Mihir had his smoke. As the day faded the lights just shone brighter, making the sight even more inviting than ever. The only thing that spoilt the peace and calm were a bunch of voracious and boisterous group of Uncles and Aunties laughing in the most undignified manner of them all!! It was positively scary and very witch like!! (Ya, ya; I have a good imagination!!) After a while, the boisterous bunch made off and peace and calm returned once more. I and Mihir sat there and had a good conversation. We talked about a lot of things. A real lot of things. I thought a lot more than I would normally have, but it is something I really enjoyed doing. I also realized that Mihir thinks a hell lot as well. A bunch of philosopers we are!! [Philosophuckers as my friend would put it but ever mind!! ;)]

We had this little rat and his companion scuttering about in the rocks below the parapet. It sounded quite freaky when they ran though pulling a newspaper behind them..!!! You won't believe the reflexes that Mihir has!! The second time the rat did that; in the blink of an eye, he had lighted a matchstick and thrown it in the direction of the noise..!! So fast he was, that he kinda freaked out the couple next to us. As the rats again did their thing, Mihir threw in another match. The couple next to us, disturbed in the middle of their PDA by a half abuse and a brilliant flash of flame went away in search of a quieter place. Or maybe the matchstick freaked them. Whatever!! We got rid of a noisy couple!! Awesome!! :D

We sat there for some more time. We talked about anything and everything. We actually even discussed cigarette brands!! *Sheepish Grin* We observed people. We followed a streamer in the water with our eyes. We talked some more. I lit a few matches. We enjoyed the lights. We enjoyed the silence. We enjoyed each other's company. We both wished we could have taken a swim. We just idled away time. We found peace and heaven and happiness. :)

We could have just sat under the azure sky for the rest of the night. We could have just dwelled in our silences. We just sat there enjoying the sight and the breeze which had now been sending goosebumps up and down the length of my arms!! And then he asked me something. "Tell me something about you that I don't know." *Sigh* What do I say? All I muttered was that I would have to think upon what to tell you. I eventually never answered that question. But then our silence spoke volumes. A lot more than any heart felt conversation ever could!

As the clock ticked, we made our way to Bandra Reclamation Depot, climbed upon a BEST no. 384 and got down somewhere on Hill Road and made our way toward Bandra Depot (W.) both of us wishing that this lovely evening could have gone on forever. We hadn't enjoyed each other's company with so much peace and happiness in a real real long time.

Listening to: Smack that: Akon feat. EMinem

And you want to know about me?
And then you don’t want to know anymore.
What you know about me scares you,
It changes your definition of loyal,
It gives you new foresight about the word integrity;
It defines strength, headfast and faithful.
It maligns your understanding of truth and honesty;
It underlines the use of the golden words;
It gives you more reason to smile or suppress the smile,
It brings about more laughter and life into your small world;
It broadens your life.
It changes you,
As a person,
As a friend,
And if you think you still want to know more;
Well; don’t complain later that you weren’t warned…!!!

Listening to: Try- Nelly Furtado.


Don't have much to write about.

Maybe I should smile more at people.
Maybe I should start being indifferent to people.
Maybe I should just stop thinking.
Maybe I should just let stuff be.

G'night people. Peace.

¿y pensaste que me conocías?

When was the last time u looked at me and wished you could change it all?
Wished that there was an alternative to all that you could see??
Wished that you could change everything altogether?
The face, the mind, the body, the soul?
Rule the spirit that you couldn’t catch?
Wished you could take some of that cheekiness?
Wished you could mould some of that big grin?
Or just plain wished that you could do away with it all?
Just modify me to something you want me to be?
Crush the spirit?
Break the mind?
Conquer the body?
Distort the vision?
Reconstruct the soul?

I am not what you want me to be,
I can never turn out to be someone to fulfill your vision of me,
I won’t change to keep you happy,
I will be selfish for a change;
I will keep myself happy
I will smile again at people I don’t know,
I will help the heartless,
I will speak my mind;
I will trust the cold and the apathetic once again,
I will give in to temptation once in a while,
I will savor the happiness coming my way;
I will fill my world with intoxicated sanity,
I will regain my old brutal ways again;
I will give an answer back when I am insulted
I will value everyone I meet,
I will not let you stamp my self respect;
I will not let you do away with my dignity
I won’t let you have all the fun at my expense.

And the spirit will be born again,
The crushed soul will revive,
The broken mind will emerge stronger than ever,
The conquered body will self reign again;
The distorted vision will be more focused and sharper than ever.

You think you can do away with all this??
Well; you can try,
I live life by my own rules
And I want to be happy till I die.

Reminds me of these lines by Nelly Furtado from her song try.

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be.

Peace. \m/

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend.


A bad dream-Keane .

STEREOTYPES: MY ASS

Have you ever gone though the stereotypical and perfect answers given by celebrities when asked simple questions?? Sounds stupid na? All the things they do to avoid rumours and gossip..!!! One would think that this is their way of encouraging it!! :P Would love to see the celebrities answer some of the questions in this manner. Just as they say: Controversy creates cash! :P :P :P

The following set of questions can be found on the Sunday edition of the Mumbai Mirror under the heading People.

LAST TIME I:


Fought with someone:
Well, it was with my ma. She didn't want me to wear that teeny weeny mini skirt... again!!

Laughed:
Guffawed actually. With my sister over dinner last night on a bad joke about err... never mind..!!

Cried:
When I broke up with my guy. I hope that counts. Else erm... I dunno.

Took a local train:
Well, I do that all the time. Guess being famous didn't erase out my passion for trains!! :P I just love the rush, the crowd, the sweat, the heat and the lack of breathing space. It gives me an adrenaline rush. Over and over again!! Hehe


Rode in a cab:
Ummm, two days ago. When my driver called in sick. Now you guys know how much I hate to drive (read: I don't know to drive!) and these long winding roads will kill me one day. God have Mercy!!!!

Took a rickshaw:
Aaahhh... the poor man's cab!!! Well, you wouldn't want me to ride in one of those would you. It is uncomfortable, the seats are not aligned properly, the driver has some song on of my rival actresses and there is no AC!!! No, I don't ride in ricks!!!!

Said 'I love you':
Those three words..!!! Well, firstly to my ma (I wanted to wear that mini skirt you know!!), then to my guy (I wanted a date for my movie premiere) and to my sister(to have her not open her mouth about me..!!!)

Said 'I hate you':
These words.. Well, I use them quite often. My driver, my maid, my watchman, my hairdresser, my make up artist, my cook.. the list is endless..!!!

Lost something precious:
Well, I don't rem'r what was the last thing I lost. I mean I can always buy back what I lose because of the exorbitant fees I charge per film, but I think the last thing precious that I lost was erm.. my CAR..!!! Yes, someone made off with my Car..!!!!!!!

Went on a date:
Well, it was with this fellow who had an awesome script!!! And errr.. don't tell anyone, but I paid the bill :)

Went to a sabzi mandi:
Well, that was like.. duh.. never.. I eat only imported broccoli and carrots. I need my Vitamins. But you surely knew that didn't you??!!!!

Read a book:
Well, I hate reading. I mean apart from scripts I don't even have time to read. I never got quite hooked to reading. I mean my friends tried. But they apparently didn't quite win!!!!

Behaved selfishly:
Well that like all the time. I love myself and am a self proclaimed narcissist!!!

Was embarrassed:
Umm.. sometimes after I end up drinking too much at all these social dos; you know too much alcohol and a lot of unintended things are said and done!! *Giggle*

Had Paani Puri:
I am a health freak. I don't indulge in all these addictive junk foods. They are unhealthy.

Had a wardrobe malfunction:
Errr... Never mind..!! *LOUDLY* Next question.

Went on a long drive:
With my guy off course. We went to marine drive at 2 in the morning :) :)

Cooked food:
Well, I am a pathetic cook.. So You get the picture.. No cooking for me. I can't even boil eggs without burning something. I am not kidding. There was this one time I set my house on fire.. Err... Never mind..... *Big embarrassed grin*

Were home alone:
Well, The last time I got stood up by my friends on a girls night out, I was home alone.

Took a long walk on Juhu beach:
Well, about a week back.. I was walking my dog. I normally don't do such things but after firing the dog walker I had no choice and .....

Shopped till I dropped:
Well well well... Now I like this question. There was this one time I was in New York and I went crazy. I brought brands like Armani, Gucci, Prada, Fendi, Juicy Couture, Moschino, Miss Sixty, D&G, Original Penguin, Mango etc. I ended up buying a lot of formal wear, sunglasses, perfumes, shoes, watches and bags. That was one of the happiest days of my life. *Really big grin :) :) :)*

Lied to someone:
My guy.. when I wanted him to come shopping with me.. Hehehe..


Wouldn't life be more interesting if our "celebs" ever though of answers like these??? Well, it sure would be fun!!!!! Cheers :)


Disclaimer: The entire questionnaire is a pure product of imagination and none of the answers used are quoted by anyone to the best of my knowledge. I hold no responsibility if it happens to be quoted and I am not responsible for the same.

Quote Unquote:

"One needs loneliness to understand and love themselves more."

-Anindita :)