MOVING ON..........

I have always been hasty and regretful about some decisions in life.

The one decision that I will always regret is breaking up with my ex boyfriend. It was a spontaneous and a prompt decision to just break free from a relationship that had no depth in terms of emotions. I always give in a 100% to any relationship that I am in.. Guess I expect a lot from the person I am involved with. I expect him to give in an 80% if not more. The hasty decision to call things off has still not let me rest in peace. There are vulnerable moments when I look back and realize that in spite of him being very important to me, I never told him how much he meant to me. I don’t know why but I somehow could not express myself to him. This is something that is unheard of when it comes to me because I am one of the most expressive people when it comes to expressing myself. Maybe I took sadistic pleasure in knowing how much he cared for me, maybe I was just plain selfish... Whatever it was, I lost him out of my own inability to make him realize how much he meant to me. This is something that no matter how hard I try I can’t come to peace with myself. I should have told him what I thought and how I felt. I still haven’t been able to get over him but I do realize that maybe he might have moved on. I know that I miss him a lot and that words don’t come easy for people no matter how easy going they are. When someone tells you he loves you, he really means it. I still thought my ex was kidding me. I never responded to those three precious words. And by the time I did, it was too late. There was nothing left between us that those words could do anything about. Only time can heal deep wounds, words can’t heal them. Words can heal superficial wounds but not the deep and intense ones. Thus my words did not heal anything. They just left me more vulnerable than ever. It left me lost and in a state of constant despair. My friends have found my distraught state very difficult to accept, they told me that no guy was worth it. Maybe if I had to give myself advice I would have told myself to let go and move on. But I am not thinking rationally, I am thinking just from my heart and how much things would have been happier if I had still been with my ex or at least I think I would have been happier...

Things went wrong between us a long time back but I still held on to the hope that I will get him back. I was just fooling myself. I held on to a false hope. I doubt I have ever hoped for something this much. I doubt I have cried so much for another person as I have cried for him. There have been so many instances that I have questioned myself what I was doing with him. I asked myself if even remotely he cared for me. I have never been so vulnerable and weak about any other person as I have been for this guy. He has stood me up so many times. There have been weeks when we didn’t speak. And yet I held hope in me. I hoped that he would come back, and I hoped that he would come back stronger and better than ever. But I guess I was wrong and boy, was I wrong bigtime....!!! It shows how stupid I was. Or rather how blinded I was in my own selfishness and his false promises to assess the situation which was happening right in front of me.

I still spend so much time thinking of my first boyfriend. No one gets over the first guy easily and neither can I. The ones who tell you that their first guy mean nothing to them now are either plain lying or else they are beyond emotions. I don’t want to get back to him but I do want to talk to him. Maybe I am kidding myself when I think I can get over him by talking to him, maybe I do want him back. I don’t know. I am so confused and still so caught up in my own struggle to get him out of my head, that I don’t know what will help me not think of him. I can’t even put what I feel into words and express them; if I could I myself would have marveled at the fact that I am amazingly caught up with his thoughts and am in a state of constant indecision and unhappiness. This is because I guess I am not accepting that there is more to life than a guy who doesn’t care now but used to care a lot when he said he did. Even tough I have identified the problem due to which I am in this state; it will be a Herculean task to just let him go... I am not ready to admit it but I am ruled with my heart as well and what people say and do does make a lot of difference to me. I know this guy... At least I think I do... So when he suddenly became so indifferent to me and about everything that concerned me, I was hurt and I was confused... Hopefully I will be able to get out of this cobweb of despair, unhappiness and unease and be at peace with myself knowing that there is more to life than Manuel Miranda...

Wanted to let u guys know that I have moved on... I’m seeing someone much better and very sweet.. This was written ages back... I thought I would post it.. It just might help someone...